Fat Subtitles
Understanding what's going on in my brain
After last week’s post about my fat haircut, I’ve been sifting through my internal monologue and parsing out the anti-fatness I’ve been marinating in. Last week, I wrote some thoughts that percolated into my mind while I was staring at the full-body mirror.
“Wow, I didn’t realize I brought so much of me into this space. I wonder what others are thinking of me. I bet they’re embarrassed of my body.”
The constant feed of negativity is sometimes quiet, sometimes loud. Rooting out the negativity means identifying it and addressing it…and identifying it can be exhausting.
Sometimes I wish that I had subtitles for my brain’s thoughts. Reading what’s going on inside my noggin is almost a full-time job, you feel me? If I had subtitles, maybe I could hit CTRL + F and find the key words that haunt my psyche about my fatness.
KEY WORDS
too much
unworthy
overlooked
underestimated
ugly
insecure
unhealthy
Or maybe I should use CTRL + H to find and replace all those key words with these:
enough
worthy
seen
valued
beautiful
secure
thriving
Now I know that this post could come across as surprising, given that I’m supposed to be super fat-positive, while I admit to struggling with body negativity frequently (every day). Maybe you’re suspicious of my schtick—that all bodies are good bodies—if I can’t even convince my own brain of this truth. To be honest, I’m suspicious of myself… It’s been a decade of this journey. Shouldn’t I be more evolved?
However, when I think about how long I was steeped in diet culture without questioning it (30+ years), when I think about how I can’t escape from all the indoctrination about bodies and their value in our society…I realize that this deprogramming will likely take the rest of my life.
Have you heard the parable of the screw? A screw feels like it goes in circles, but it’s actually changing in altitude as you follow it. A screw uses an inclined plane to drill deeper into its base. So even though it feels like I feel like I’m going around and around in circles, I’m actually getting deeper to the heart of the issue: my deep-seated belief that fat is bad.
It’s so frustrating to be “dealing with the same thing” over and over again, but I’m really digging out the deep hole of false beliefs over a lifetime of lies and indoctrination of diet culture.
Are you in a similar position? Do you have anti-fat messaging repeating over and over again in your head? Are you still in the thick of deprogramming from diet culture?
What have you found helpful on your deprogramming, fat liberatory journey?
Join me as I CTRL + H to find and replace all the diet culture lies in my fat subtitles.
Peace and joy,
Amanda
I try to think of my diet culture voice as an annoying neighbor… like okay Susan, we get it, you’re worried about the way I look but guess what I’m not so bye. ✌🏻 😂
I have a stipulation that if I am going to look at my body either naked or dressed in a full-length mirror, I remind self immediately beforehand that if I do this, I must immediately agree to say to my reflection, "I love you." I often add, "Thank you, body, for all the years you have served me." It helps to flip the conditioned reaction we were trained to have (and continue to have reinforced): "Eeew! Omg you're [insert insult du jour]." Just. NO!