Fat Haircut

I got my hairs cut

I got a haircut today. It was an overall wonderful experience! My hairdresser is a friend, and we chatted in Spanish about all that has been going on in life. (We both speak English, but my daughters—who don’t speak Spanish—were there, so I could speak more freely about life in Spanish.) I felt a tangible weight lift off my chest as I shared about my trials and joys.

Sandra Bullock was my inspiration for this cut.

I really love how it turned out. «insert heart eyes emoji» Benito did, too, lol.

What I didn’t love was the full-length mirror I had to stare at while Dulce cut my hair.

Now, I’ve been on the body positivity/fat acceptance/fat liberation/body peace train for a decade. I’ve done a lot of interior work to accept my body as she is. I affirm that it’s good to be fat. Heck, I’ve written two books about my journey!

And yet, when I’m honest, sometimes I forget that I’m as fat as I am. I wore a pair of shorts to my appointment today, which happens to accentuate my lower belly. As I sat in the salon chair, my belly was front and center, pressed and smushed into the seat. I was taken aback. In my head, I guess, I am smaller.

And, being honest, I was disappointed for a bit. The critical voice that was instilled in me as a child flared to life and reiterated its ugly sounds of self-hatred and disappointment.

Wow, I didn’t realize I brought so much of me into this space. I wonder what others are thinking of me. I bet they’re embarassed of my body.

All of those thoughts swirled in my head, all while I was having a delightful conversation with my hairdresser. I was simultaneously receiving love from her while fielding criticism.

Has that happened to you?

I had to remind myself that the purpose of my body is relationship, not thinness.

I had to remind myself that I bring love and life to every room I enter.

I had to remind myself that I am not too much.

Yes, it’s exhausting to live in a fat body in a world that hates fatness. The mirror can reveal so much grief and sadness, but it doesn’t tell the whole story.

You are worthy. You are enough. No matter how fat you are.

Sending love and joy to you (from me and Benito!),

Amanda