Body Disappointment

What to do when the burden is unbearable

Just this week, I was—somewhat rudely—reminded that, to some people, my body is a disappointment.

Never mind that it’s my body. Never mind that it’s nobody’s business to comment on my body. But apparently, my body isn’t good enough. Someone else is so invested in my body’s size that they voiced their judgment and disappointment directly to me in a conversation where I was asking for help.

As uncalled for as this person’s comments were, this interaction has brought me face-to-face with my own disappointment in my own body.

My body disappointment

There is a little-but-loud voice inside my head telling me that I should feel disappointment. Coupled with disappointment is blame for ‘letting things get so bad.’ As a fat liberation activist, I know better than to listen to this voice; I recognize it has been formed over years decades of my family and of society reinforcing the idea that a thin body is healthier and better than a fat body. I disagree with the claim that a thin body is healthier and better than a fat body, but somehow I’m still plagued by this voice.

Here are the things that this voice tells me I should be disappointed with my body for:

• my weight (not sure the exact number, but it is A Lot)

• my size (26-28)

• my diabetes (for which I’m taking Ozempic)

• my chronic illnesses (fibromyalgia among them)

• my pain (in my feet, in my joints)

I recognize that these feelings of disappointment are not unique to me. Most people I know are struggling with body disappointment over one or more of the things I’ve listed here. In a fat body, however, I’m not just a disappointment to myself—my psyche tells me that I’m also a disappointment to my parents, my husband and kids, and society at large.

That’s an incredible burden to carry. I don’t want to carry it anymore—do you?

So, it’s time to get curious about this burden of disappointment. What does disappointment reveal about me and you, anyway?

Disappointment reveals expectations

What exactly is disappointment? Merriam-Webster defines to disappoint as “to fail to meet the expectation or hope of.” In my own words, I’ll say that disappointment has to do with expectations. When I feel disappointed in my body, I need to get curious about what expectations of my body I am failing to meet.

As a fat liberation activist, I want to have reasonable expectations of my body that aren’t ableist or discriminatory against fat bodies. However, my disappointment reveals that I still have a lot of inner work to do. My disappointment reveals that deep down, I still believe that my pain is my fault, that everything would be easier and better if I were thinner. I don’t like this about myself, but I am thankful that my curiosity has shown me where my body expectations don’t line up with my values.

The purpose of my body

Body expectations are formed around what one believes a body is for.

Our culture tells us that a body is for performance, whether that be performative beauty (like at a beauty pageant or on social media), around the house (ability to do chores), at the gym (ability to work out), or at the doctor (ability to be healthy). Size matters because we equate health with thinness. For our culture, the purpose of my body is to do.

I would counter, however, that the purpose of my body isn’t to do…it’s to be.

To be in relationship with others and myself.

To be fully myself in the face of culture telling me that I’m too much.

To be disabled without being ashamed of it.

To be unashamedly fat in my body, with no intention of changing my shape or size.

Aristotle says that a thing is good which fulfills its purpose. And if the purpose of a body is to do, I will fail sometimes because of my body’s limitations. In that thinking, my body isn’t a good body.

However, if the purpose of a body is to be, I succeed in every minute of every day. No matter the size, shape, or ability of my body, I can exist in my body, delighting in its goodness while acknowledging and grieving its limitations. In this thinking, my body is good! (This is why I named my Instagram account Your Body Is Good!)

This way of thinking about my body aligns with my values, the values of fat liberation, which hold that every body has dignity and the right to self-determination, no matter its size, shape, ability, orientation, race, ethnicity, and so on.

When my expectations align with my values, I’m not disappointed in my body. I can turn my disappointment and frustration and critique where it needs to go—society’s obsession with thinness and health. That needs to be torn down, not my body. Not your body, either.

So…

When you get disappointed in your body, here are some questions to consider:

1. What expectations of my body does my disappointment reveal?

2. Are those expectations reasonable? Do they align with my values?

3. How can I reframe my feelings about my body so that I can grieve for and rejoice in my body in a way that aligns with my values?

I can’t wait to hear how reframing your body disappointment changes the outlook you have on your body and its goodness!

Peace to you,

Amanda Martinez Beck

PS. You can buy my books here.

PPS. Don’t forget to subscribe and share!