The song The Blues by Switchfoot is on my mind this morning, as so many questions swirl in my mind…
Is this the New Year, or just another night?
Is this the new fear, or just another fright?
Is this the new tear, or just another desperation?
Is this the finger, or just another fist?
Is the kingdom, or just a hit-and-miss?
I miss direction most in all this desperation
Is this what they call freedom?
Is this what you call pain?
Is this what they call discontented fame?
I’m entering the elementary classroom this fall for the first time as a teacher—in only 10 days—and I have so many questions. I haven’t been in 5th grade since 1994-1995, so I’m kinda flying blind.
What if they make fun of my body?
What if the students hate me?
What if I can’t actually do this?
These questions—and so many more—threaten to overwhelm me. I have taught at the college level for many years. Teaching has been one of my passions, whether it’s Spanish or great texts…but 5th grade reading?
I have so many dreams for these kids.
“Literacy is our greatest civil right.” That’s a quote from Kareem Weaver that I learned on the first day of new teacher orientation. No pressure, right? I’m responsible for helping these students read, and read well. It’s not just the standardized test I’m preparing them for—it’s life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
What if I can’t actually do this?
The questions push at my mind every morning during teacher training. But something else rises within me as I bring my whole self to the table, my fat and disabled self.
Life is incarnational, not transactional. I’m not here to deposit knowledge and receive a paycheck; I’ll be here, living and breathing and working with these kids so that they first know that they are loved and accepted, and second, so they know the great power of stories in their lives. The reading is corollary to these goals: for them to know the power of love and the power of stories.
In my fatness, in my disability, I bring a story of resilience and love to the table. My weakness isn’t a liability; it’s an asset, the hinge that can turn the wall of the human heart into a door.
If you’re the praying type, send some up for me. Or good vibes or positive energy—I’ll take all of it.
Where are you being drawn to incarnation—the flesh and blood and soul and spirit of it all? Where are you resisting the transactional mindset and drawing strength from your core to live in your today body?
Peace and solidarity,
Amanda Martinez Beck
Oh my dear, you've already answered your doubts with your inner wisdom, won through living in strength, struggle, and love. I'm so excited that your presence will now impact such young humans! Years from now, as we all do, some of your soon-to-be students will wistfully recall how Ms. Martinez Beck was the teacher who ______
-showed them how to live in whatever body they have
-stoked their passion for literature
-made it possible to keep going through a shitty home life
-inspired their career in ______
-made them feel 100% accepted
-stopped someone from bullying them
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-
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ad infinitum
Thank you for your courage and for risking your comfort; they cannot respond other than by returning your love for them and for learning.