Fat Hungry Birthday
Is 42 the answer?
đ” Happy birthday to me đ¶
Iâm a word nerd, so you know I love a little etymology. AND itâs my day, so indulge me. In Spanish, itâs my cumpleaños, which is made up of two wordsâcumple, which means to complete or fulfill, and años, which means years. The Spanish expression for age, yo tengo 42 años, literally means âI have 42 years.â And when I taught Spanish, I made sure my students knew the power of the Ă, the Spanish letter that makes a ânyaâ sound. If you leave out the Ă in favor of a plain N, it fundamentally changes the meaning of the phraseâŠand it goes from I have 42 years to I have 42 buttholes. Which is humorous, but probably not accurate. Lol. (âthe millennial urge to end everything with laughing out loudâŠthat tracks.)
Anyway, speaking of expressions in Spanish, I want to talk about another one: TENER HAMBRE. Itâs the way we say âIâm hungry.â But it literally means âI have hunger.â Talking about being hungry as a fat person is always precariousâwillI be mocked or embraced for this normal human condition? Even just titling this post âFat Hungry Birthdayâ made me pause because of the trolling Iâll likely get for admitting that I, a human with a body, am hungry.
But I love the Spanish expression âI have hungerâ because itâs so much more angsty. To me, it sounds more existential, like if I donât get that for which I hunger, I might die. Dramatic much? Thatâs me.
Today, as I complete my 42nd revolution around the sun, Iâm asking myself this question: What do I hunger for?
I hunger for justice. As long as I can remember, I have had this hungerâone for everyone to be treated with equity and care. If youâre familiar with the Enneagram, it makes sense for my personality type. Iâm a 2, the caretaker. But when I am in distress, I am pulled into the sphere of the 8, for whom fighting for justice is second nature. (I know, I know, the Enneagram is just hipster astrology, sue me.) That passion for justice mixed with my caretaking energy means that I am always oriented toward making people feel welcomed and cared for. Which, if Iâm honest, can be exhausting. Thank God for therapy, helping me to establish healthy boundaries so I can pursue what my heart wants in a life-giving way!! (âmultiple exclamation marksâŠis that a millennial thing or a girl thing??)
I hunger for joy. I used to carry myself with so many smiles that people commented on it all the time. âWhy are you happy all the time?â was an earnest question I got from a lot of people. I think the answer was a combination of things: growing up extremely privileged being one of them. I had few material problems, and that honestly makes it easier to be happy. I also tended to see things with hope, which was a gift I took for granted at the time. Over the years, I have grown tired and jaded and disillusioned with so many aspects of life. Especially religion, which used to give me so much grounding. Feeling afloat, untethered, has made me more careful with my hope and joy. Which is probably an effect of growing up and maturing, learning to protect myself. As I look out to the horizon of my 43rd year, I am asking joy to find me. Iâm putting it out into the universe and hoping it will come back to me.
I hunger for MORE. I have so muchâa family that loves me and whom I adore, supportive friends, and a job that enriches my life. But if Iâm honest, I want more. I want deep and authentic connection with the people around me. I want to finish my novel and make it a bestseller. I want to fall asleep exhausted every night but wake up in the morning refreshed and ready to take on the day. I want a deeper connection to the Divine. I want so much!
I used to think that wanting so much would make me greedy, but today I think the act of wanting is an integral piece of my humanity. So I wonât apologize for taking up space, for letting my desires take up space in my life.
Birthday wishes, or what you can do for me today:
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If youâve read my books, could you leave a review on Amazon?
Lovely: How I Learned to Embrace the Body God Gave Me is at 45 reviews on Amazon and I would love to bump it up to 50! Iâve heard that 50 is the magic number to get more eyes on your book.
More of You: The Fat Girlâs Field Guide to the Modern World received a starred review from Publishers Weekly but only has 8 reviews on Amazon :( Part of that is on me because I hate marketing myselfâŠbut Iâm still really proud of it and would love to have other people share what they liked about it.
If you havenât picked up your copy of either of my books, do so today!
And if you see me around, wish me a Feliz cumpleaĂos. Lol.
Love,
Amanda